I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well I just put wine in my tea
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
