Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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