when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
