Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
being pregnant is like rehab
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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