If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
