I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is my gift to your gina
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
