In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
