1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
