Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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