you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
