OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
