I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
