i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize