she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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