I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
