I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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