She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
