I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
