We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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