My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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