i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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