ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
