Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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