I accidentally burped into my bong.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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