i don't like sucking hair
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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