No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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