Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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