Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
