i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
