i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
