I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize