I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
