I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize