Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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