Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
