Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
