Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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