I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
