At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
