I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
