Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
NoShamevember. You game?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
