I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
don't judge my taste in strippers
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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