My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
