1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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