I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize