She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
