At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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