PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Soap is not a condiment
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
