i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
