i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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