Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
