Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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