Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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