very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I could make wine with my vomit
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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