I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
