I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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