Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
