First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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