maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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