YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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